“I Have Kids But Don’t Want Church.”
As parents, we want the best…
For our kids. We want them to feel safe, supported, and loved. That’s why so many of us brought them to what has become “church”—even when we had no real interest in being there ourselves.
If we’re honest, it’s not uncommon to hear this refrain from parents immersed in the struggle: “We go for the kids.” But what if the very thing we’re chasing—a life of freedom for our children—isn’t actually found or empowered in what we were handed in the name of church?
The Four-Generation Fade
There’s a popular theory peddled to weary parents, often called the Four-Generation Fade:
Parents don’t make church a high priority.
Their kids grow up and make church even less of a priority.
Those kids grow up and make it no priority at all.
The next generation grows up with no concept of God.
“Parents, your priorities impact generations,” we’re told. And as a stand-alone statement, it’s true. But when applied to the Four-Generation Fade, Church history tells a very different story.
The truth? The fastest-growing movement of the Church happened in its first 300 years, long before the existence of church buildings, kids’ programs, or anyone even having a copy of the Bible. Roughly 65% of the Roman Empire came to declare Jesus as Lord—not because of church attendance but because of everyday people living out the freedom Jesus promised.
This movement didn’t happen in church services. It happened in homes, around meals, and in the daily rhythm of life. Faith was passed down in unbranded friendships and unhurried parenting, not polished programs.
When the Strategy Backfires
In a time when churches and their programs are everywhere, yet people living in the freedom of Jesus are rare, it’s worth asking: Does the “we go for the kids” strategy work? If the goal is to raise children who rest in the love of the Father who delights in them, the answer seems clear: no.
To see what I mean, consider this: Were church services truly equipping you to rest in Jesus and share His relief with your children? If they were, why do you feel anxious, uncertain about stepping away from a structure that never fully prepared you for the unplanned life of faith?
It’s a common struggle we hear from people across the country, one that raises an important question: Would you take parenting advice from a conference led by parents whose grown kids are still living in their basement? Probably not.
So why do we feel the weight to go to churches that do the spiritual equivalent? Churches that keep people dependent, focused on participation in something Jesus didn’t do, rather than equipping them to step into the adventurous life Jesus has actually given them?
Here’s the kicker: Jesus never did this thing we now call church. He didn’t build institutions, create services, or measure attendance. Instead, He met people where they were. He offered friendship—inviting them to trust Him, not a system. Then, He told us all to go and do the same (Matt 28:29-20).
So why, in the name of following Jesus, would we do the opposite?
A Better Way
If you want your kids to see God the way Jesus does, start by rethinking what it means to “go for the kids.”
Imagine your kids growing up—not with polished programs but with raw, real-life experiences of grace around the kitchen table with neighbors. Not under the pressure to perform but in the peace of knowing they already belong. Not with anxiety, but with the freedom to be honest about their struggles and rest in the love of the Father.
Parenting is hard. Faith doesn’t have to make it harder. So feel free to stop going through the motions and start living the relief we want for our kids. And as you do, remember: it’s not about leaving church—it’s about rediscovering what it means to be the Church Jesus started, right where you are.
To explore what this could look like for your family, check out our free resource: When Church is Friendship. Don’t have an account yet? Click here to get started.
Cheers!